What a fitting product to remember the day by! While previous royal weddings have seen tie-in tea trays and biscuit tins, it is only natural that a royal wedding in the “age of the information super highway” be marked by this: a high-tech personal telephone. Should one part with ones’ hard earned gentry government hand out for one? Let us investigate.
Patriotism
A worth engraving for a piece of red plastic
Never let it be said that the French do not know how to make a phone. While the “republicans” at Alcatel may have no concept of the dignity and honour that a monarch can inspire in his denizens, it certainly knows how to make a £6 phone.
For half a dozen sovereigns, this slight handset (just 108x46x15.3mm, 68g) will let you cosset a flag of our great nation next to your ear, whenever you need to speak.
Royal wedding tech tat round up
It is surprisingly sturdy too: much to our horror, we dropped it playing polo only to watch it trampled underfoot by a fine steed. To our relief, it survived the trip – the plastic back casing, adorned with the initials of the monarchs to be, fends off Corgi paw prints as well.
What more could one require in a mobile than a Union Jack covering the entire front face? Actually, a MIDI of God Save The Queen to have as a ring tone would be a splendid extra: one can find it buried in the settings.
Screen
There's nothing royal about Super AMOLED compared to this
We must confess that generations of inbreeding have left our digits rather shaky: as such it is a blessed relief to report that the Royal Wedding phone requires no such touchscreen tomfoolery. Instead, one is presented with an excellent, one inch 128×128 display, bursting with colour: 65,000 of them in fact. Granted, they all seem to be the same bright white, but that’s certainly a larger number than we can count to, so one must not dwell.
Apps
One can find many apps, including a torch, preloaded
After struggling with many handsets, we must lavish praise on this one for going against the trend, and taking features out, not putting them in.
As such, one cannot search for the identities of those with super injunctions online, or take a photo of a so-called “happy slap”: instead, one can celebrate with a preloaded image of the happy couple, which will remind them of their place in society throughout the two years of a contract.
One can however, set three simultaneous alarms, which I do believe is as many as one is able to on a Google Nexus S Android phone. Another excellent addition that all of these “I” phones lack is the FM radio, which will allow one to tune into the solemn tones of James Naughtie during the ceremony – assuming one has failed to blag a seat in the abbey, of course.
One is aware that car jokes and princesses should not go together
There is also a torch, as well as a selection of games. We’re particularly fond of the top down Formula One racing game: the left and right controls proved rather advanced for us, but this is to be expected when one relies on a chauffeur, we suppose.
Verdict
Excelsior!
Perhaps there is something to be said for rapprochement with the French over the last century. Granted, they guillotined one’s greet great uncle, but were it not for Alcatel, we would not have this splendid way to commemorate such a glorious day. Now, how does one put things up for sale on eBay?
Hugh Baxendale-Cummings-Smithy de Vere, Earl of Fistrovia is Electricpig.co.uk’s royal correspondent.
