Roll up roll up, we’ve got a lock-up full of Kate and Wills gadget tat that would have even the most ardent royalist turning up one’s nose at it. And who are the main culprits, so you can shun everything they ever make as penance for subjecting us to this trash? Read on and find out.
GE Royal Wedding Fridge
Gorgeous, just gorgeous. Forget commemorative tea towels, this is the only way to show you’re serious about the big day. It features a scarily large picture of Kate and Wills on the door, that you’ll see every time you go for some milk. Well, it’s sure to wake you up first thing in the morning, at any rate.
£2,000 | GE
Royal Wedding Edition Alcatel One Touch
As if the union jack on the front wasn’t enough, this also has a red back with C and W marked on it, along with the date of the wedding. Preloaded are a royal wedding wallpaper featuring a pic of the happy couple, and a Mendelssohn’s Wedding March ringtone. Somehow we can’t see Wills rocking this come the big day.
£14.95 | Carphone Warehouse
Roberts Union Jack Revival Radio
Initially made as a one-off to celebrate the fact it had a Royal Warrant, Roberts decided to go into full production to tie in with the wedding of the century. Hey, if you can’t face watching the ceremony, you can always listen to it on this instead.
£199.95| John Lewis
Royal Wedding by NBC News
Well those iPad app makers weren’t going to miss out on a slice of Royal Wedding cake now were they. It features over 300 photos and 40 royal news reports, and an interactive family tree so you can see who’s related to who, sharing via Twitter and Facebook (as if you’d really let all your friends know you were using it), and a host of other wedding tat you can buy through the app. You’ll need to wash your iPad after using, such is the disdain in which we hold this.
Free | iTunes
William & Kate Royal Wedding Souvenir Clock
Oh yes, you can see this on your wall can’t you. It’d go nicely next to the Big Mouth Billy Bass you bought 10 years ago, just to the left of the singing moose’s head, and all the other novelty crap that lost its charm a second after being hung up.
£14.95 | Amazon
Royal Virility Performance Beer
Brewer’s droop should be a thing of the past with this pale ale, as it contains herbal viagra. Though the label says other ingredients include chocolate, Goat’s Weed, and a healthy dose of sarcasm, so maybe we shouldn’t take it too seriously. Still, gives new meaning to the phrase ‘stiff drink.’
£10 | Brewdog
